i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
