Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
