Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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