Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm jealous of your bromance
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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