Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
