I wish I only lived at night.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
