Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
