Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
