Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize