just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
