She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
