woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
