he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Who wears a wallet chain?!
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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