This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
