is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I wear drunk well.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
