Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
