So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
