He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
