A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He did a backflip because drugs
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
