oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
