Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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