She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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