New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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