I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
