pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I want her autograph on my taint
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
