Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
