I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I know her cup size but not her name....
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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