I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
