I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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