Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
