yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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