I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
