p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
