i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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