i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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