I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
