you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
