I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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