I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
