I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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