After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
