This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
