What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
