i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
