I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Acid is not a monday night drug
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
