well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
