Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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