Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
