I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
His hands were made for my vagina.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
