I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
