we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
