My cat gives me a boner
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She's the barista slut.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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