I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
