I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize