This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
