Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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