So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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