hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
