i don't like sucking hair
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize