why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
