her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
You made out with two different species that night
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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